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Climate Change: the tax scam

May 14, 2009

Secret memo from Mr. Darling to Mr. Brown

Gordon,

I’ve had a great idea for a tax scam. We tax the crap out of resources, transport, energy, manufacturing – anything we can think of – in the name of climate change, and watch the loot roll in. We will of course need to dump VAT because the stupid punters, not knowing what’s good for them, have stopped buying all the stuff on which our tax base depends, but no worries. The collapse of our export markets are a bit of a worry, but we can fudge that. We’ll also need to keep the army on the street at all times because the population is rioting like they did over fuel taxes, but this time we have far greater civil unrest (by an order of magnitude). We’ll get Al Gore to compensate the MOD for that.

Getting Obama to pay for all the scientists we’ll need to bribe to support our plan will be a little more tricky. He’s with us all the way of course, but like all Americans he wants to look like he’s doing his bit too, and apparently they are having some difficulty convincing the 13 million unemployed they are now better off. Doesn’t affect us in the slightest though, so that’s all right.

I can’t believe that idiot you appointed as scientist in chief really thinks we can afford to keep doing science. It is, as you rightly pointed out, entirely settled – we’ve fooled the public completely and why we should carry on funding research into climate change when we already know it’s bollocks is beyond me. I suppose it was not unreasonable of the party hacks to suggest if we didn’t spend enough on washing coal and painting it white the public might become suspicious, but since they are always completely paranoid and only think about themselves, who gives a fuck about public opinion?

Only thing is – and this does bother me a bit – seeing as the media are crucifying us on a daily basis about the way we are using carbon taxes to fund the massive increase in personal expenses we voted in (and they also seem to object to the way we’ve syphoned off the money to Branson’s little island, thus avoiding the pitfalls of having the NAO give the game away, the sycophantic creeps) I am certain that we will have to rig all future elections as that nice Mr. Rove insisted at our last meeting (brilliant appointment Gordon, just what we needed). Why the public wouldn’t vote for a government that has ripped them off so cleverly is beyond me. Churchill was right about the five minutes.

By the way, I was over at the FO this morning and it seems that China is still being really awkward – again. Apparently, they are disgusted that, after joining our little club, their exports have plummeted and their economy is stalled. Our ambassador explained with consummate patience that the whole point was to make more money by putting up taxes on everything, but it seems the Chinese were not impressed since they can justify any tax on their population simply by shooting anyone who complains. I think they may be on to something here – we should discuss this at the next cabinet meeting.

Got to go now. Harriett is flashing her stocking-tops.

Ali

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