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Climate change – the China Syndrome

June 11, 2009

The usual contrarians are bedwetting all over the Guardian forum, terrified by change and unable to understand the point Canute demonstrated so clearly. After China announced a program of renewable developments so massive it made even banker’s payouts look paltry, and the puzzling way China is discussing limits to their own CO2 emissions despite the fact climate change is clearly a pack of western lies, I invited the Chinese Premiere to give us his point of view…

Good morning. I am the President of China, using gpwayne’s CiF account on the Guardian to talk to you because the bloody software we use to stop our citizen’s being corrupted by too much knowledge is also blocking me from opening my own account.

Here in China our economy is booming, because we stole all your jobs while your unions scratched their arses and looked very puzzled (they couldn’t tell one Chinaman from another – apparently we all look the same to you roundeyes). But your businessmen loved our low wages and the way we use our tanks to keep them that way, so they moved all their production here and gave a free CiF account to every unemployed roundeye too stupid to make computers and fridges any more. Let them post tripe, to paraphrase Ms. Antoinette.

Of course, here in China our best interests are served by demonstrating that climate change is all one massive western conspiracy to keep us slant-eyed opium addicts in our place (and thanks for the drugs Britain, that was really nice of you). That way, we can poke all your corrupt scientists and idiot greenies in the eye with a sharp solar panel while buying up all your assets and turning them into more tanks, which we never have enough of. I have therefore instructed all our scientists – who cannot be corrupted because we shoot them if they try that shit on us – to follow the scientific trail laid by Watts and that paragon of intellectualism Viscous Monckton – and churn out paper after paper showing what a load of nonsense this climate change science really is. That way, we can keep building a power station every 45 minutes (we’re very productive over here – people work remarkably hard when you point a track-mounted 88mm Howitzer at them) and let Obama take the blame (nice guy, shame about the idealism).

Of course, it’s been pointed out to us by the UN that we should buy into the ACC theory so we can assert more control over our population, and raise huge amounts of taxes to spend on the next generation of tanks. How many times do I need to explain to you stupid westerners that our totalitarian regime requires no thin excuse like climate change to take our people’s money, and we can’t exercise any more control over our population than we already do, since that’s the whole point of being totalitarian. As that strange yellow person on your Chinese-made TV says – DOH! (He could almost be Chinese, come to think on it).

Now, please be so kind as to refrain from your usual carping about the many billions we are investing in renewables, the emissions targets we are discussing, the contradictory way we appear to be agreeing to limit our economic growth not only by adopting such targets but also endorsing a global strategy that will reduce manufacturing demand in every sector. I know it seems counter-productive to you round-eyes, but that’s because we are inscrutable (and the opium, of course – dream on dudes!).

BTW – our scientists are shit. Not a single one of them has come up with anything to prove ACC is the pack of lies we know it is from reading all these excellent comments in CiF. Our scientists keep coming up with really lame excuses like ‘That Al Gore – too clever for us’ and ‘Those meretricious science journals in the pay of George Monbiot’s aristo mates – won’t publish our findings that all the northern hemisphere is going to be covered in ice next year.’

Science – it’s all just a point of view, and mine will prevail. Time to send in the tanks.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. robert permalink
    July 24, 2009 2:12 pm

    Excellent, Mr President. Long live the people!

    Question: Setting aside for now our hifalutin crazy-roundeye distaste for the bracing austerity of totalitarianism, does China’s new religious tack (- rehabilitation of Confucius = necessary inclusion of Daoism, and we do hear much about your new emphasis on ‘harmony’ -) mean that your glorious ancient traditions may just turn out to be the salvation of everything? That is, sir, can we consider ditching our failed monotheisms, and getting some real religion here? (Might you undertake to supply advisers, funding, etc.?) We need you, Mr. President!

  2. edith crowther permalink
    September 3, 2009 2:51 pm

    Hallo GP Wayne – I read your comment on the “Icebergs Calving” article in the Guardian (Sermillik Fjord). It is quite outstanding of course, so I thought you might be a real person and googled you – and you are real! My comment is just before yours, I post as Editha on the Guardian – don’t know how this happened, as I always give my full real name when posting on media blogs etc. So I am usually a real person, though not one with a public profile like you. Don’t contact me – I am a BNP candidate for election, you will be tainted by association. But you would be surprised to find that everyone I have met in the BNP (all “ordinary” people) would agree with you and only you.

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